Gettin' Serious for a Moment...

I might be breaking a rule by copying a quote from one of my Yahoo Groups but this one just struck a chord with me so I am going to get serious in this post, if for no other reason but for B to realize one day that I really do think about, almost daily actually, her future and how she might struggle with her identity as a child who is not biologically my own, is from a country on the other side of the world, and is of a different race.

This particular group is mainly a place for internationally adopted grown-ups to talk about their experiences and thoughts, and in all honesty, it is not the most comfortable place for me to lurk (I'm not a big poster in any group). One of the "adoptee" posters asked why the adoptive parents continue to stay members of the group in light of the fact that the tones of posts often are very negative towards transracial adoptions and unfortunately, the main targets of the negativity are often the adoptive parents who support the system. Something about this post hit home for me:

"It may be perfectly logical and a truth we all know, but sometimes it is hard to look at your laughing toddling baby who turns with joy at the sound of your voice and remember that she will not only become a fabulously moody teenager one day but a fully autonomous, complex adult who may or may not make the choice to continue participating in our family. I want to enjoy the laughing and the toddling but to remember the rest too."

There are days, more frequent than not, that motherhood makes me feel guilty. Sometimes it is because I feel I don't spend enough time hugging my kids, sometimes it is because I feel with working I am not home enough, sometimes it is because the stress of life leaves me short of patience with my kids, and now, it is sometimes because even though I love my daughter with all my heart, I wonder if she will someday strongly believe that she would have been better off in her native country and that I was selfish to take her away from all that.

Deep inside, I know there was a reason that on the day I started researching adoption (both domestic and international) in general, her picture was one of the first that came up on my computer screen. That normally reserved me impulsively requested information about her, even though my husband had no clue I was researching adoption. That the family who was reviewing her file decided not to pursue her adoption. That even though she had known medical needs, I did not feel the need to have a doctor review her file because I knew that there was nothing the doctor could tell me that would make me turn away from bringing her into the family.

And logically, I know her foster family may not have been able to be her family forever and she may have been taken away from them at any point, that her educational opportunities are likely greater now than growing up without a permanent family, that her medical needs are better met here, and that even if the family policies and practices are changed in China to eliminate international adoptions in the future and if I worked feverishly to promote a change, as a 3 year old, B, if she were still in China, would likely not experience the effects of those changes and would remain an orphan. '

Still, I guess there will always be the "what if's."

Why do I read the blogs and entries in groups written by those some would call "angry adoptees" and continue to visit places where I am considered "the enemy?" Well, I am trying to understand as much as I can for when B struggles with her mom and dad's decision to adopt her later in life. I would love to believe she never will, but I know that is unlikely. With all my kids, I want to do the best I can for each of them and in B's case, I owe her to be educated as much as this American white mom can be! :)

Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I know this was a little deep for my lighthearted blog but at least I included a way, way cute picture!

Kate